syrup.org
recent crap:
|
"Make me sweet again, fresh, frangrant, and wild ." -Rumi
Dave vs. Baby Gear
April 27, 2007
December 23, 2006
Caveman Leroy and Stripper Lulu
|
words
If you're wondering where my entries are, I'll tell you. In the interest of maintaining a drama-free, peaceful life for me - and for Dave - I've chosen to stop publishing on this main web page most of my internet writings. Yesterday Alison and I had a discussion about why, as you get older, it gets harder to write on the web, publicly, and honestly about your life. The consequences seem greater now than they used to. It absolutely makes for a less interesting personal web. Some of my favorite personal web sites of the past are nothing more than placeholders. Abandoned properties. Most, as Alison points out, are filled up with flickr photos, twitters, and links to other places. {Admittedly I have only a vague notion of what twitters are, because Alison patiently tried to explain it to me. Something about text messages that read "I'm going to the bathroom" and "Having lunch". } In any case, the point is, I miss my own long lost ability to write honestly and openly on my web site. I miss reading others' web sites too. I miss the community it created and the interaction of minds. But I'm not really going to do anything about it, other than to tell you that I am, indeed, still writing on the web. Right here, under your nose. But because of the potential consequences, I choose not to make it public. So instead I'll post some photos. And I'll ask you, any long lost readers and writers - if you're still out there - to contat me. I know you're secretly writing too. Let's trade links on our secret writings. 01.30.07 I've decided to start working with a personal trainer again, and tonight I have my initial fitness evaluation. Since the day I committed myself to this endeavor, I find myself, oddly enough, increasingly nervous about it. It's not because of the weigh-in, or the fat-pinching calipers, or the brutal workouts that follow. I've done all that before, and it was entirely worth it. And after carefully observing every trainer that has been employed in the last five years at my gym, I have complete confidence in the trainer I've selected. The reason I'm doing this is not because I want to get in shape. I'm already in excellent shape. I may not be as lean as I once was, but I've maintained most of the muscle mass I gained when I was body building six years ago. I can run 5k in under 30 minutes, and I do yoga, and ride my bike, and generally take very good care of myself. In part, I'm doing this because I love being in shape but I've come to loathe going to the gym. I'm bored, and tired, and stuck in a rut. It takes every bit of willpower I have to get myself to the gym. Once I'm there, I'm usually okay, but one eye is always on the clock - carefully measuring how much time in enough before I can go home. I'm doing it because I need a tune-up. I'm sure over the years my form has gotten sloppy, and certainly I don't push myself nearly as much as I used to. I want to learn some new exercises in the hope that I'll actually enjoy going to the gym because something about it will feel new and challenging again. I guess the part I'm nervous about is the addiction and the sacrifice. It has taken me a lifetime to finally get to a place where I am content with my body. Sure, I complain about my ass being fat, and those chunks that appeared on my hips a couple years ago. But mostly that's just my memory comparing my 36 year old body to my 28 year old body. So I'm not Hollywood thin, but I'm not fat by any standard, and while I surely wish I still fit into those size 4 red velvet jeans that I just can't seem to let go of, I'm okay with my body, with myself. There's this thing that happened though, the last time I work with a personal trainer. The Competitor in me is ignited. Faster. Bigger. Stronger. Leaner. For a year and a half my whole life revolved around exercise and nutrition. No dining out, no happy hour with friends, no late-night music clubs. There's just work, and the gym, and the careful calculation of nutrients and calories, and hours upon hours of food preparation. I don't want that life again. It was worth it the first time, to realize a goal, to see just how much I could change my body, how much strength I could achieve. I guess I'm just afraid that starting with a new trainer will reveal new weaknesses for me to obsess over. Then I'll no longer be content with just being in great shape. I'll suddenly find myself discontent with my body, discontent with myself - and I'll stop at nothing short of some perceived concept of perfection. It's that discontent that drives you, motivates you, it's the voice in your head that tells you that you CAN'T drink that margarita and you CAN'T savor that chocolate truffle, and you can't relax on the back porch and read your book, because you MUST go to the gym X times a day and lift X lbs on the bench press and spend X minutes on the ellipital torture device. And only then will it be okay to indulge in any activity unrelated to exercise and nutrition.
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||
